WHAT IS YOUR PARENTING STYLE?

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We all believe in disciplining our kids. But the disciplinary method is just one aspect of the parent-child relationship. There are many other dimensions of parent behaviour that influence the child’s personality.

Each parent has a distinct parenting style. S0me parents are loving and affectionate while some are hostile and rejecting and yet others, indifferent. Some parents are firm about rules, some are lax, and others are strict about them. By and large, the parenting style adopted by a parent is fairly stable over time and across situations. But this does not mean that the parent is inflexible.

A parent who is usually strict about enforcing rules may, in some cases, allow the child considerable flexibility. The style of parenting has a long-lasting effect on the child’s personality. Therefore, parents need to decide very carefully, which parenting style they would like to adopt.

In the 1960s, Diane Baumrind created one commonly-referenced categorization of parenting styles. The 4 Baumrind parenting styles have discrete names and characteristics:

I. Authoritarian or Disciplinarian

II. Permissive or Indulgent

III. Uninvolved

IV. Authoritative (not to be confused with Authoritarian)

AUTHORITARIAN OR DISCIPLINARIAN

• The foremost characteristic of this type of parenting is the use of power-oriented techniques to inculcate desirable social behaviour.

• Rigid rules are set and the children are demanded to obey them unquestioningly. Punishment is common for any disobedience encountered.

• Communication is limited regarding the rules that are set and the children’s viewpoints are not encouraged. It is usually a one-way communication, from parent to child.

• Obedience is valued the most and any independent behaviour, thought process, questioning or exploration is discouraged.

• Parents have the entire control over the child’s behaviour and he/she is not allowed to think or act on his own.

• Appreciation or praising the child is not done often, in fact, the parents may be rejecting or hostile. The expectations set are very high and there is limited or negligible flexibility. These children are usually discontented, withdrawn and distrustful. They may find it difficult in forming relations with their peers or may not get along with them.

PERMISSIVE OR INDULGENT

This type of parenting is seen when parents provide limited guidance or direction to the children and they are allowed to do as they please.

• There is a laxity in discipline or setting any rules. In fact, it is the opposite of strict.

• Communication is open but parents do not give any directions and rather let the children decide for themselves. The children are given the freedom to do as they please.

• Parents express their warmth and love to the children liberally.

• Parents do not expect or demand children to behave in a particular fashion. These children tend to reflect an immature behaviour, are not self-reliant and may be aggressive as there are no expectations set in terms of behaviour or attitude.

UNINVOLVED

Some parents choose this style of parenting and stay uninvolved in the children’s life. While others follow this style unaware or confused or are less interested in parenting.

• Here we see a kind of neglect from a parent towards the child. There is a disinterest on the parent’s side and they are least bothered about the child’s life.

• They do not show much warmth and love. They do not control the child’s behaviour or expect mature behaviour.

• The communication is limited between parents and children. These children may have poor social skills and find it difficult to display leadership qualities. They are not very motivated to achieve and do not try hard for success.

AUTHORITATIVE

• The parents are warm, loving and supportive of the child’s efforts and accomplishments.

• They often praise, appreciate and encourage the child. They show enthusiasm in the child’s activities, respond sensitively to her feelings and show empathy and compassion.

• Parents are firm in disciplining as well. They lay down simple rules and make it clear to the child that these have-to be obeyed. The reasons for the rules are well explained and the consequences of not following by the rules are also made very clear.

• They limit the child’s behaviour but the limits are reasonable and well explained and they encourage independence within these limits. They allow enough flexibility for the child to act independently within the rules.

• Children’s views and objections are taken into considerations before setting the rules and two-way communication is encouraged. This makes the child self-disciplined and they are able to think for themselves. The child feels free to express his/her true feelings to the parents.

• Such an atmosphere reflects a high level of warmth and a good communication between the parents and the child.

• Parents do demand and expect mature behaviour from the child and set high standards of achievement for them. But along with this, their demands from the child are reasonable and in keeping with her abilities.

When the expectations are at par with their abilities it is easier for the children to achieve them and this gives them a sense of confidence. Unrealistic demands lower the child’s self-esteem and one can never fulfil them. This is also called a firm yet affectionate parenting style. This fosters independence and self-reliance in children. Children show a mature behaviour, have higher self-esteem, are less aggressive and are sensitive towards others.

As stated above, a particular parenting style may lead to certain specific personality traits in the children but, it must be also be remembered that these are just general outlines. The outcomes described with each parenting style are the most likely outcomes, but they are not the only ones. The behaviour of the parents is one of the many factors that affect the child’s behaviour. The child is also influenced by the people he/she meets outside the family. If the parents are hostile but others are supportive and warm, the child’s personality may develop positively.

It is also possible that each of the parents uses a different parenting style. If one of the parents is restrictive and the other is flexible, it will have a different impact on the child than when both the parents are restrictive.

What is the ideal parenting style?

Mostly each family has a set parenting style, the one that has been running through generations with little modifications. One can choose a parenting style that suits their family principles and benefits the children. Though few us may neatly fit into one parenting style, it’s better to raise kids with a combination of different parenting styles. Let’s take the four styles as a spectrum instead of four distinct ways to parent. Ideally, we must think about our children and what are their needs from us at a specific point in time. For example, while a parent might not typically adopt a disciplinarian parenting style but, there may be times in a child’s life when this style is needed. Or there is an authoritarian parent you know, who is nurturing, contrary to the description given above.